Currently – fear, ANGER, helplessness, resignation, SELF LOATHING, depression, RAGE
First, I need to get this out of my system –
I’m short of breath and I want to scream and cry. I want this suffering to end, but there is no other way except to break through it or die. I absolutely want to rise above this, but I’ve failed. Repeatedly. And I don’t see a way out. I know there is one, but I don’t see it. I want someone to help me, but then again it makes me feel weak to ask. And I fear that I’ll always depend on someone else and never truly take responsibility and take charge of my life. I am my own worst enemy, and how! With every passing minute my life gets shorter and my potential is wasted. My hopes and my dreams are lost in the swamp of my habitual mindlessness and autopilot behaviors of finding quick entertainment to forget how disappointed I am in myself. What I want is to take action, and just do things! I’m simply unable to. Like my body and mind drift away, and I blink, and another day has turned to night. I’m consumed by my rage and my helplessness. My greatest enemy lives within me.
Today is Day 8. I stopped writing after day 2.
“Why?” You ask? … I don’t really know how to explain. But I’ll try.
Here’s what happens. I want to do something. I know in my mind what exactly needs to be done. But when I sit down to do it, somehow without realizing, I end up wasting my time on reading or watching something pointless and trivial. I”M SIMPLY UNABLE TO FOCUS. Almost like, mindlessly I believe that the distraction will only take a couple of seconds and is totally worth it.
I get this feeling, of maybe I’ll do my work a little later. And the little later becomes a lot later, and in most cases the work doesn’t happen at all.
This isn’t just basic procrastination, it’s at a level where it feels like I’m addicted to mindlessness. Where even the most simple task which needs me to think, automatically triggers a response of mindlessly wasting time until its too late to begin working on the task.
I’m afraid of what I’ve become. Over the last 4 years, I’ve wasted countless opportunities, and I’ve changed so much. I used to be the person most people envied for my natural talent and leadership. Everyone believed I’d go really far in life. Somewhere along the road, I lost my way and I am now truly scared, for I don’t see a way out of these woods. I’m 27 years old now, and I’m miserable.
THE GREATEST ENEMY is mindlessness. The feeling of “It’s ok, I could do this a little later”. And the mental conditioning which causes me to mindlessly lose focus.
The Greatest Enemy lives within me.
I need a way out. I need help, and I need answers. I don’t know where to begin.