July 26, 2015

Rebooting. Attempt 2. Day 1

When i began this blog, I had a lot of energy and drive. I got to day 10, but then all the energy fizzed out and this whole venture failed. And lets be honest, I’ve always been a chronic goal-setter with very little actual follow through action.

Having failed again, and this time, even recorded on a blog, what I’ve learnt is that simply having a lot of motivation and drive can help one only to get started. To keep taking action consistently and doing what needs to be done, is not rooted in motivation, but rather in habit. Any overnight success or transformation is afterall not overnight magic, but rather the cumulative result of consistent practice and habit.

The reason for my failures up until this point in time is probably founded in how my systems to enforce new habits were complex and difficult to implement. I’ve revised those now and updated my goals too.

Today is Day 1 of 180. Today has been a day of recreating my vision and refining my systems.

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Today’s score –

1. Fitness – 1
2. Focus – 4
3. Will Power – 4
4. NoFap – 0
5. Overall Satisfaction – 5

Day’s TOTAL – 14 of 50
All time total – 14 of 6300

All in all, a decent start to the project again. I’m going to focus on small steps and consistent little wins to keep the momentum going.

June 5, 2015

Failed Attempt (1) – Day 8 – The greatest enemy

Currently – fear, ANGER, helplessness, resignation, SELF LOATHING, depression, RAGE

First, I need to get this out of my system –
I’m short of breath and I want to scream and cry. I want this suffering to end, but there is no other way except to break through it or die. I absolutely want to rise above this, but I’ve failed. Repeatedly. And I don’t see a way out. I know there is one, but I don’t see it. I want someone to help me, but then again it makes me feel weak to ask. And I fear that I’ll always depend on someone else and never truly take responsibility and take charge of my life. I am my own worst enemy, and how! With every passing minute my life gets shorter and my potential is wasted. My hopes and my dreams are lost in the swamp of my habitual mindlessness and autopilot behaviors of finding quick entertainment to forget how disappointed I am in myself. What I want is to take action, and just do things! I’m simply unable to. Like my body and mind drift away, and I blink, and another day has turned to night. I’m consumed by my rage and my helplessness. My greatest enemy lives within me.

Today is Day 8. I stopped writing after day 2.

“Why?” You ask? … I don’t really know how to explain. But I’ll try.

Here’s what happens. I want to do something. I know in my mind what exactly needs to be done. But when I sit down to do it, somehow without realizing, I end up wasting my time on reading or watching something pointless and trivial. I”M SIMPLY UNABLE TO FOCUS. Almost like, mindlessly I believe that the distraction will only take a couple of seconds and is totally worth it.

I get this feeling, of maybe I’ll do my work a little later. And the little later becomes a lot later, and in most cases the work doesn’t happen at all.

This isn’t just basic procrastination, it’s at a level where it feels like I’m addicted to mindlessness. Where even the most simple task which needs me to think, automatically triggers a response of mindlessly wasting time until its too late to begin working on the task.

I’m afraid of what I’ve become. Over the last 4 years, I’ve wasted countless opportunities, and I’ve changed so much. I used to be the person most people envied for my natural talent and leadership. Everyone believed I’d go really far in life. Somewhere along the road, I lost my way and I am now truly scared, for I don’t see a way out of these woods. I’m 27 years old now, and I’m miserable.

THE GREATEST ENEMY is mindlessness. The feeling of “It’s ok, I could do this a little later”. And the mental conditioning which causes me to mindlessly lose focus.

The Greatest Enemy lives within me.

I need a way out. I need help, and I need answers. I don’t know where to begin.

May 30, 2015

Failed Attempt (1) – Day 2. Days left 178. Crash and burn.

Oh, what a day. What a classic day indeed.

Literally nothing got done. And owing completely to circumstance. The day just turned out to be one of those where I got caught up in random errands. In today’s case, chauffeuring people all day.

The day left me completely exhausted, mentally and physically.

All in all, a major hiccup in the plans. However, I’m not too fussed. Things still seem in control.

Tomorrow is a Sunday. Third day lucky I suppose.

May 29, 2015

Failed Attempt (1) – Day 1. Days left 179. And so it begins.

Truthfully, not the best start to the whole project. Got caught up in habits, and with ill planning and a complete lack of tracking, somehow let the whole day slip by.

This is why the systems are so important. Ensuring that every segment (Peher) of the day is tracked and productivity is measured. This in itself is key, and essential to success. In fact, just being able to consistently do this will cause a massive improvement in my day to day life and success.

Will edit this post tomorrow, based on daily rating metrics, such as fitness, focus, will power, overall. 

May 28, 2015

Day 0. Days left – 180

Today begins late owing to the routine of oversleeping, which has built up since the last 2 weeks.

A win for tomorrow would be to wake up at 6:30am and begin my day with a workout.

The win for today, is to setup all the systems as seen in the picture. I’ll update this post at end of day, to see how much I actually managed to accomplish.